I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
