i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
