I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in