Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Sex on roller skates
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.