If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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