If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
