I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think I sprained my soul last night
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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