my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
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Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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