I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
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Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Still dying that you shit outside
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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