Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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