I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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