had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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