im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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