You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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