I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
