i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
