you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
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Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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