there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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