Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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