Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
