i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
