And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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