You're so nebulous sometimes
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.