Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!