My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing