I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
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It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN