I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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