I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
