I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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