shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
