How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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