she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
