you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
