how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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