I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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