I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
