In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
