I think I am morally bankrupt
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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