WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she pinky promised me she was 18
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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