i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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