Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
