Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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