my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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