can u get pink eye on your cock?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
