First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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