i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.