nut hugger
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
