and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
