The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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