his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
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why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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