Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.