im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit