You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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