She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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