Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
